I read with sadness: Schizophrenic NSman slap with 14 extra duties before committing suicide [
Link]
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| The Army conscript bell curve ? |
Also remember reading this news about: NSman suffers heart attack after 2.4Km run [
Link]
The proverbial army conscript bell curve
Some Can, Some Cannot
But we 做给它*
* "做 给 它 !" ( Zho Hor Yi ! - in the Hokkian dialect ) - "Do it for the Army !" - But spoken with a sense of somewhat hapless defiance. English version: Serve and F*** Off !
Summer 1990
Apart from his mildly deviated jaw line, either congenital or through a childhood mishap, i didn't ask, otherwise he was physically just like the rest of us. My one brief encounter with L during our BMT in Pulau Tekong, we were by chance happen to be sitting around in the bunk after our training. I found him mumbling by himself, he seemed to be angry with something or someone. For the life of me, just when i am writing this, i cannot recall what was he sulking about... but i thought i did remember the reason he was not happy. When it comes back to me i will quickly update it here!
Though i cannot at present recall the matter that was bothering him, but i can remember coming away from this encounter with L, having the impression that his emotional state is somewhat different from "normal" people. I thought i remembered trying to get through to him but he was adamant and sensing he may become even more agitated i backed off ... but really it was more than two decades ago, only recently i was reminded of these events when i started writing about NS matters...
I thought i remembered his BMT buddy was a lanky Malay chap, i can't remember your name bro, sorry. I remembered chatting with his buddy, typical, we were all sama sama, trying to hang in there, 2.5 years, serve and F*** Off. e-lec ah... We were all in our 19's, 20's. I gathered that somehow he also sense that his buddy is a bit "different". He tried whenever he could, to manage to assist L in daily Army mind-numbing-alienated-from-civi-world affairs, we were all trying to make sense, trying to do what they want us to do, trying to adjust from our still infantile introduction to the military. I don't really interact with L much because we were in different training section, though in the same platoon.
Maybe he needed professional help. At the time ( i remembered Saddam Hussein just invaded Kuwait and the songs from the movie - Pretty Woman, were constantly aired on TV newsreel and on the radio respectively), we were 19, 20 year old . What do we know about psychology, mental health, counselling, etc. ? Most of us were from working class families, our parents were not very educated. The social political climate then was different from today such that not many of us dare to seek "help" from those in authority. Social media was not born yet.
Physically, L was okay. I remembered during the end phase of our BMT, there was a sort of "summary exercise", the instructors get to whack us one last time before we POP (Passing Out Parade - Army lingo for graduating from a training course). Shouting and threatening and making us run from some fictitious "Arty bombardment" and then declaring casualties. This was done to force the trainees to inculcate in them to care for buddies, section mates. We took turns casuavac (Medivac) section mates while running towards the end point. We were all quite shack and beat up since the night before. i saw L was actually running with the casualty's full pack haversack and his own, one carried at the back and the other sling in front. In addition, he was carrying the casualty's M16 rifle, one on each hand, non-stop. I was not the only one , our platoon commander (trainer) saw it too.
He was commended by the PC after the exercise. After POP, i saw him in SAFINCOS, Bravo company, while i was in another training company. I guess somehow the instructors and especially my PC was trying and doing, to encourage him, knowing that he was not a slacker. As an affirmative act of final encouragement, i guess L was recommended for command school!
He went AWOL.
For many years after i RODed (ORD in today's parlance), i don't even want to go near Jurong ! ( SAFINCOS was situated in Pasir Leba camp). It was so different then as compared to present. While travelling along towards Tuas i caught a glimpse of the spanking new main entrance, it now looked very built up and i almost wanted to make a detour and take the path i walked as a young man some twenty years ago. It was no more the beat up, shack, dreadful façade, from my memory.
To say i hate that place then was an understatement. I wanted out. If not for the fact that the sun rises from the East and sets in the West each day, one day after another, day after day till we finally POP, I may have done something drastic to liberate myself. The day you are conscripted, you don't belong to yourself, you belong to the Army. You have no say and no control over your time, your routine, your rest and even your body. It is almost akin to servitude, almost. It is this maladjustment more than all the physical discomfort you endure that inevitably gets you.
The next we knew, L was caught by the police, at his alma mater. He was convicted for the murder of his lecturer. Death sentence.
What makes a person snap? The three months we were with him in BMT at Tekong. He don't smoke, he don't drink, a graduate with an engineering diploma from the polytechnic. He was just not cut out for the military? If not for compulsory conscription. Not giving excuses, he was already punished by the law of the land, a life for a life.
i remembered during BMT at around week three or there about, recruits were instructed not to run! Yes, that one whole week was designated as no running week. Everywhere we go we either walk or march but no running. It was mentioned that the incidence of lower limb stress fractures and injuries were quite significant statistically around the third week. The SAF do not want to lose combat fit manpower and so they came up with this no running week. It suit us just fine.
They take good care of the physical aspects, how about the mental aspects? When does a soldier reaches his "low point" mentally from time of enlistment? Can we even plot a bell curve statistically? For some reason, the weeks post BMT was my "low point". What about the rest of the blokes? Was L, like me, also felt the same during that period? Different people react differently given the same situation, i saw some of my SAFINCOS mates rather enthu as oppose to me. At the time there was no internet, no facebook, no tweeter, no blogs. What happen in camp stays in camp. Our trainers were commando/guards rangers. There were some physical abuse, given those days. But this is how they are. In an alpha male environment, one has to roll with the punches. There were also "elder" rangers as platoon trainers/commanders, they were like fatherly figure to us, they have mellowed. No doubt they were no nonsense but somehow we look up to them. I was quite the reluctant soldier. My section trainer really gave it to me. For certain things i'll just keep it to myself to the grave. After all i bear no grudge lah. As they say in Cantonese, all is blend already...
After SAFINCOS, posted to yet another training school for advance courses but this time there was no "low points". Post advance training, unit life was the best time in ones short 2.5 years of army career! Because by then one would have become fitter, proficient in ones vocation and familiar with the army culture [ :-( ].
15 April 2014
i struggled for the past week about posting this on my blog, because it is not "nice" and up-lifting (everything must be nice and good and positive in Singapore...). i write to let my readers know that you are not alone. If you are feeling down at the moment, i want to let you know you are not alone. The sun will come out the next day. Take one day at a time. Seek help. We can help each other, tell your family, your friends, write it out, social media is here.
Today, i re-post this blog post and i will not take it down. (22 April 2014)
